Dealing with the Holidays
The Holidays
Given the challenges we face with IBM, canceling participation in the holidays can be tempting. We might choke on dinner, be unable to open gifts or cards, and have issues serving our guests like we are used to. But rather than cancel these crucial opportunities to spend time with friends and family, I prefer to make the most of them. I’ve outlined some tips and tricks for managing the stresses below.
The first thing is this: get the thought out of your mind that you are too much trouble and would disrupt the event. Baloney! Friends and relatives sometimes hesitate to encourage you because they don’t want to wear you out, but they would love to have you attend. First, communicate your needs early. Be ready with some requests that might help both of you.
Don’t feel obligated to spend money that you don’t have or need to put toward other things on presents. Once all the kids are grown, it can be worthwhile to switch to a giftless Christmas or to do a gift swap where each person buys one gift rather than a gift for each person.
If an event is out of town, ask the hosts if they know of an accommodating hotel in the area. You’ll want to call ahead to any hotel to be sure they can meet your needs, as many do not seem to understand the realities of using a wheelchair. Some of them still have a step-in tub for the shower. Always call ahead!
If the meal is potluck style (everyone brings something), let the person hosting know you will not bring anything. They want to see you, anyway, not your potatoes au gratin.
Plan your time and prioritize your energy. Have some activity and then a rest period before the next one. Even normal aging is enough to tire you out while traveling and being in crowds. Diseases only add to that dilemma. Plan for it. Don't abandon your routines. It is essential to have some normalcy.
Don't drink too much. This is especially true if you have complicated family or friend dynamics, but it is generally true for health and well-being. Plus, it is dehydrating, and combining that with the added stress of the event is a recipe for disaster.
You can stay only for a short while if that is easier for you, particularly in the case of complicated relationships or logistics issues.
One thing that can be tough about the holidays is being around people we have a lot of history with, both good and bad. This can be especially true in families, where our ideas about ourselves and each other are deep-seated and often based on old hurts. Go in with realistic expectations. You won’t like everyone’s behavior or words, but do your best to let them slide off you. After all, you’ve never seen eye-to-eye with this person. Change the subject if someone is trying to engage you about a divisive topic, or if they are being pushy about it, clearly state you do not plan to discuss it. You can also practice letting other people win, even when you disagree and are tempted to argue. Letting them win does not imply that you agree with them. And we should never forget that we will take home the hugs and the love and can let the rest go. We are not helpless in making memories - we can choose what to focus on.
Importantly, you do not have to attend events that will cause undue stress. Don’t spend too many minutes of your life doing things out of obligation. You can gracefully bow out of things that don’t lift you up or provide for you in some way. If you are someone for whom the guilt outweighs all, attend, but don’t stay long. People tend to be very understanding about things like this. If they give you grief, try to forgive them and see how they do with your No Rsvp next year. Maybe they will have matured in that time.
On the other hand, don’t assume it will all be too much for you and miss out on seeing people you care about. It’s important to have social interaction and to feel and share love. Do what you can to surround yourself with people who build you up.
Lastly, remember the tools you use in everyday life: practicing gratitude and tolerance, taking a breather when needed, and getting some alone time or time with friends. You’ve been putting together your toolbox to manage the realities of IBM for a while now. Grab those tools when you need them and put them to work.
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
This blog post is based on personal experiences and is not meant to provide medical advice.
Always consult your healthcare professional for personalized guidance on your health journey.
